And so it was that Sylvia Rosewater was traded for a soviet spy and she started a new life in Michigan, working as a greeter at Walmart. She became a recluse, friendless, save for her live-in lover, Sir Zog the Enlightened. Every night she returned from work, he brought her joy that she had never known when married to Eliot Rosewater. He brought her stability and serenity that had eluded her during her entire lifetime. She was pregnant with his child.
Then, one day, she thought she was having a migraine. She assumed she’d had a visual hallucination. There were flashes like lightening in the sky. She lay down with a cold washcloth over her forehead and tried to sleep.
The troops of the rebellion gathered on the outskirts of Rome. The King of Earth unleashed his Gestapo.
Eliot Rosewater tossed a hand grenade into a burning building.
Overhead, the sky ripped open like a torn bedsheet. The screams from space were deafening. The sheltering sky fell away and all was dark. Stars fell from the void. Earthquakes and volcanoes erupted and the biggest tsunami in Earth’s history rolled over the planet. The aftershock of the Tralfamadorian test pilot’s error in judgement, recorded back in chapter 2, began to unravel time and space. You could hear reality shredding like old cheesecloth. Buildings crumbled. Cars crashed. Airplanes flew willy-nilly, smashing into mountains, soaring into the ionosphere, slamming into one another or falling back to earth. The sky was red as dried blood at sundown.
“Well, we tried,” said Kilgore Trout, as gravity failed and he soared off into the air.
Everything changed, except for those firefighters. Eliot still killed them.
We became Higgs boson particles once again, bumping mindlessly and purposelessly off one another. We no longer had anything left to do. Weightless and thoughtless, we were all happy as shmoos.
The high-pitched nasal twang of the Shah of Bratpurh, echoed from dozens of speakers mounted atop his giant mountaintop castle. “Dibbo, Takaru, dibu,” he said. “Nikki Takaru. Dibbo, Takaru, dibu.”